and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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