Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
