I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
