Me. At least after what I've been through.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
