I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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