I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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