My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
