I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
