I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
