now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
