Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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