I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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