My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
