She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
