Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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