Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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