I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize