Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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