the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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