If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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