I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
