is your mom at the bar?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
