You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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