If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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