The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
