i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
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