cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize