she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
