I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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