my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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