I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
