And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
