Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
