I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize