the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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