WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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