Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
