First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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