so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The air taste purple.
Randomize
