he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
