totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
