I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
you never un-have a 4some
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
