Im at strip club and am horny
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Randomize