Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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