Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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