and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
