You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
