This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
