Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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