Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
