Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
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