soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
