what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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