someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
