Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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