Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
