i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
