if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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