my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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